When someone has poop in their heart
dodge that sh*t
Last year, when my son said someone was being mean to him at school, I told him: never forget that when someone is being mean it is because they are sad or scared and they don’t know what to do with it. It is like they have poop in their heart that they want to get it out. They try to throw it at you, thinking that will solve it. In your head, say “no thanks not for me” and then walk away. Do not get hit by the poop. Poop is not powerful. It’s just gross.
A month ago my three-year old was having a hard day and eventually told her brother that he was the “worst brother ever.” I saw him slouched in his seat. I asked him if he was ok. He said earnestly, “Yes. Just dodging the poop.” We both grinned.
Hopefully, this re-frame of meanness or lashing out in anger means my son will be less susceptible to believing the mean things kids say or even to being mean himself. Hopefully, he will see it as a red flag for cause and concern in himself and others: someone is sad or scared. Hopefully, he will know that what any kid needs in this situation is for someone to say “are you ok? What do you need? We don’t throw poop here.”
As much as I try to practice this approach, — the curiosity and compassion reaction to poop throwing — I can promise you that in the heat and chaos of summer parenting, I don’t get it right all the time. I sometimes respond with frustration (sucks for everyone). But I always remind him that we both know that frustration, harshness or shaming are not what he needs when the poop starts flying. Hopefully he will hold onto that truth for life.
More adults could use this perspective too, mostly to navigate their own behavior. About to gossip? Don’t throw that poop. Want to lash out at someone in anger? Don’t throw that poop. Want to make a snide comment or roll your eyes? Want to judge or criticize someone? Don’t throw that poop.
Instead figure out how the poop came to be in your heart. What hurt you? What are you afraid of? What are you trying to protect?
I have written ‘poop’ too many times in this essay. I have really taken it too far. Thank you for reading anyway.
We have been having some snarkiness in my office lately (again), so I called a brief office meeting at the end of the day to day and read this essay, It was very well received and many asked for a copy of it. I think that those that have been on the receiving end of the snarkiness will be able to in the future to say "don't throw that poop"!
Once again, very well said and beautifully written Whit. There is defintely way too much poop out there in the world, but not too much in your essay.