Be like the most compassionate people in the world

Have good boundaries

Years ago, I listened to a great podcast interview with Nedra Glover Tawwab, discussing her book Set boundaries, Find Peace. I should have actually read the book because my boundary setting has never been great. I did learn that she defines boundaries as “rules, expectations, needs, and desires that help you feel safe and comfortable in life and in your relationships.” This sounds nice. Good boundaries seem like a great way to feel less resentment, less anxiety and frustration.

My personal experience of setting boundaries has historically been this: I let things go on far too long, get extremely upset and then finally….just swallow my upset. Instead of setting a healthy boundary (a constructive boundary), I either act like nothing happened, stop spending time with someone, or withhold real connection; I just don’t let them in anymore. I keep the relationship going but it isn’t really alive.

But over the last few months, I have had the opportunity to practice something very different. It involves holding deep compassion, being a loving mirror and holding people to high expectations, so that I can fully own my own needs and desires.

This shift relies on my believing that the other person is doing the best they can in that moment, in those circumstances. For some reason, this really frees me up to be clear about my expectations and boundaries, to lovingly and firmly hold the boundary and let the other person meet them or not with real and reasonable consequences.

This essay was initially much longer but then I stumbled on Brené Brown’s Most Generous Assumption. The idea is that we are all making assumptions all the time about other people and why they do things. If I consciously choose to make the most generous assumptions, my experience of that person or behavior also shifts. My own nervous system shifts. I can go into a conversation not from defensiveness or fear but from a grounded, firm and compassionate place. I can be connected and open. It turns out I am not alone in finding that this makes boundary setting easier.

And in a summary of Brené Brown’s work by Maria Miller I saw this:

“As a part of this research, Dr. Brown also collected interviews with hundreds of the most compassionate people in the world (monks, volunteers, etc), and they all had one thing in common: Impeccable boundaries. While these people use MGI on a regular basis, they also very clearly communicate what is and is not okay with them. They keep their hearts open and their backbones strong.”

I think there is something so powerful about not needing to shame someone, to make them “the bad one” in order to set a boundary. Instead of being an opportunity to exert power over someone or, dump anger or discomfort on someone else, boundaries become what they were meant to be: productive and for the health of a relationship, strengthening, nourishing. Without boundaries, the world would be pretty chaotic if you think about it.

Kyoto’s Arashiyama Bamboo Forest

The other thing I am learning about boundaries is that they are living, dynamic things because they are human - trying to make them too rigid, too inflexible can be a big problem. Of course, sometimes they need to be clear and non-negotiable if you are talking about really abusive actions or behavior but for the most part, I think there is also a lot to be said for being more like bamboo - have a clear line but also recognize that bending in the wind will prevent you from breaking. When the wind lets up, you will still have your line and you can decide if that is the line you still want to hold. I want to stay open and curious about my boundaries. Being too rigid can probably be as dangerous as being too porous.